Improving and Learning

I frequently struggle and question the nature of things. Things literally being everything from the conversations I have with people to the purpose of the computer. I over analyze everything and play out scenarios in my head that are so far fetched it is seemly a waste of time and brainpower. It is part of me though.

We all stumble through life and do the best we can with what we know. We make choices based on our desires, our past experiences, and our instincts. We change our mind, we stick to our guns, we try to keep ourselves entertained for the journey we call life. Most importantly we survive. We survive as individuals. We survive as communities. We survive as humanity.

So often I find myself presented with opportunities and rarely do I go out and seek opportunities for myself. I feel like this is the source of so much satisfaction in the world. In the days of the internet so few of us go out and make our lives but rather we let our lives be defined for us. I think it is even worse for women. So often we wait for people to approach us to let us know we are desired or thought about instead of finding the right person to make us happy or the right job that we enjoy.

I think this is probably the biggest mistake that I’ve made and while I feel like I am a good position I don’t think I’m doing or contributing in a way that is satisfying to me. We all know deep down inside what makes us happy yet we for some reason compromise with the world instead of putting in the hard work to get what we want.

We make excuses when we get there and trap ourselves in whatever lie we have found ourselves in to make it work. To justify our dissatisfaction. I’m not saying making it work isn’t an option. It just isn’t an option for me anymore.

I want to work on a plan for me. I’ve focused so much on others for my entire life projecting my own thoughts and opinions on to them. I’ve tried to predict people's actions or words - I suppose it is part of my being overly analytical.

In an effort to figure me out - I’ve decided to do 50 entries on me trying to be more me and the journey I take. I’ll go over my experiences and sort of talk about what my next journey will be and if anyone wants to join along I’d love to hear your stories too.

My first journey will be meditation. I’ve always struggled with meditation because it is so hard to stop an active mind and it is also hard for me to justify doing nothing when we only have a finite amount of time on earth. I think the first thing I’m going to do is change my perspective on meditation from nothingness to balance then start to break off small chunks of time to practice. I’ll likely go through several different practices and essentially talk about my experiences. If anyone has any recommendations, books, websites, practices I could use all the help I could get!