Taking a Time Out

I hate wasting time.  So for me justifying mediation became changing my initial mindset of meditation.

Step 1.  Meditation isn't doing nothing

As the years have progressed I've definitely seen how balance can impact people.  The first being emotional balance.  We all have ups and downs and sometimes those ups and downs feel more dramatic because of what is going on.  Relative perception.  So I'm taking meditation as a balance for my very active mind.  A deeper control over not only my emotions but also my thought processing.  

Step 2.  Baby steps

Hmmm.  So typical me didn't just dive straight into meditation.  I instead started with guided relaxation.  I must say youtube has a myriad of videos for this too.  If anyone is looking for a little help calming down.  I highly recommend youtube.  While some of them can be quite over the top - expressing how these are all your actions and you are the one making the choices, I still found the bulk of them pretty impactful.  A word of advice for anyone making these videos, I realize these are my actions and my choices...that is the point of guided...you are providing me the steps....just provide the steps...don't tell me it is me...I know

I have completed around four guided relaxation sessions.  So far I feel much less stress and I've been able to focus a little better and get a bit more done.  Just as a note my room is still a disaster.  My computer and the people on the other end are a huge distraction. #priorities

Step 3. Learning about meditation

I'm using this site to learn about meditation and how/why it works:  http://www.how-to-meditate.org

What I've learned so far:

• This is much more involved than I originally thought.
• Perhaps I drink too much coffee to effectively meditate.
• I really should read through the website and actually go through with this meditation thing.

OK For real, after I finished my coffee I did actually read the site and I think my plan of action is going to be.....

There are a few things I should pay attention to while meditating:

• Pay attention to posture - good posture supports good breathing
• Pay attention to breath - don't want stinky breath j/k.  Breath appears to be a fundamental part of certain types of meditation.  In fact it is the focus.
• Pay attention to comfort - Being comfortable makes it easier to focus and let go. 

I still haven't tried to meditate yet.  It is like meditation is my sick best friend and although I love her she is really sick right now - I don't want to get sick and while I keep remotely talking to her and checking in to make sure she is ok and doesn't need anything, I'm actually quite scared.  I think I have a fear of greatness.  Part of me self sabotages all the time.

Step 4.  OK time to meditate

As every Nike commercial from as far back as I can remember has told me....Just do it.  Ok Nike I'm going to do it.  This blog entry has been in draft form for at least two weeks now....lol...I'm not quite sure if I will ever actually meditate...

+1 more day and I still haven't meditated - in fact I'm very sleep deprived.  Last night I not only went to sleep really late, but I also had crazy dreams so my sleep was really bad.  If there were a point where meditation could help me, it'd be right now.  I'm not doing anything I should do, but rather just following my passions and desires.

+1 week at this point still haven't meditated - I am now in Oregon - my happy place.  It is so amazingly beautiful here and very calming.  I should really go up a mountain and just take in nature and practice breathing.  I'm sure it would be enlightening.  It is also Halloween.

I can feel it in my bones Nov 1st.  It is happening.

I did it!  I was at the base camp of a hiking trail in South America.  I was tired of reading so I meditated.  Sitting under the tree I just embraced the here and now.  I listened to my breath and felt incredibly relaxed afterwards.

I found it incredibly difficult to focus on my breath.  My mind does not stop easily (Even in one of the most peaceful quiet places on earth)  It is something I'd like to practice.  I will get there.

The benefits when I thought about it could be profound.  I really feel like I could reach entirely new levels if I could actually hone my focus.  I even considered the possibility of training with monks.  They are the pros right?  If you can focus completely on one thing the power you could put behind it is intense.  No adderall required.

Improving and Learning

I frequently struggle and question the nature of things. Things literally being everything from the conversations I have with people to the purpose of the computer. I over analyze everything and play out scenarios in my head that are so far fetched it is seemly a waste of time and brainpower. It is part of me though.

We all stumble through life and do the best we can with what we know. We make choices based on our desires, our past experiences, and our instincts. We change our mind, we stick to our guns, we try to keep ourselves entertained for the journey we call life. Most importantly we survive. We survive as individuals. We survive as communities. We survive as humanity.

So often I find myself presented with opportunities and rarely do I go out and seek opportunities for myself. I feel like this is the source of so much satisfaction in the world. In the days of the internet so few of us go out and make our lives but rather we let our lives be defined for us. I think it is even worse for women. So often we wait for people to approach us to let us know we are desired or thought about instead of finding the right person to make us happy or the right job that we enjoy.

I think this is probably the biggest mistake that I’ve made and while I feel like I am a good position I don’t think I’m doing or contributing in a way that is satisfying to me. We all know deep down inside what makes us happy yet we for some reason compromise with the world instead of putting in the hard work to get what we want.

We make excuses when we get there and trap ourselves in whatever lie we have found ourselves in to make it work. To justify our dissatisfaction. I’m not saying making it work isn’t an option. It just isn’t an option for me anymore.

I want to work on a plan for me. I’ve focused so much on others for my entire life projecting my own thoughts and opinions on to them. I’ve tried to predict people's actions or words - I suppose it is part of my being overly analytical.

In an effort to figure me out - I’ve decided to do 50 entries on me trying to be more me and the journey I take. I’ll go over my experiences and sort of talk about what my next journey will be and if anyone wants to join along I’d love to hear your stories too.

My first journey will be meditation. I’ve always struggled with meditation because it is so hard to stop an active mind and it is also hard for me to justify doing nothing when we only have a finite amount of time on earth. I think the first thing I’m going to do is change my perspective on meditation from nothingness to balance then start to break off small chunks of time to practice. I’ll likely go through several different practices and essentially talk about my experiences. If anyone has any recommendations, books, websites, practices I could use all the help I could get!

Strategic Conversations

There are moments, typically while intoxicated that words just fly out of my mouth without thought or reason.  In fact my confidence is through the roof while intoxicated.  There is nothing I can't do nor person I don't know that could get whatever I needed accomplished.

That being said when I don't drink it is tremendously different.  I'm on a completely different spectrum.  Every word spoken is carefully uttered and worried about.

The great part about all of this is it is self inflicted.  We put up these barriers and gates to control our own actions.  We also are completely in charge of pulling them down and rebuilding them in new ways.

<Pause>  Currently reading how alcohol works on the body - two articles if you are curious

What happens when you drink alcohol?
How stuff works:   How Alcoholism Works

Hmm...I like to refer to this as the rabbit hole.  So Alcohol gets into your bloodstream gets to your liver and gets filtered out, but not all of it can be filtered.  So essentially unfiltered blood is what causes the effects of drinking.

In the article above it describes two brain states:

• excitatory - stimulated electrical activity
• inhibitory - decreased electrical activity

So if alcohol is an inhibitor, is caffeine an excitatory?  I also wonder if I've drank lots of caffeine and if I go out into an electrical storm am I more likely to get struck by lightning? What if I've been drinking am I less likely? I' m sure the amount of -/+ is so insignificant to have an impact on that...

Is this why caffeine sobers people?  Given they have a sufficient amount of water?  Ultimately - I'd imagine we'd need water to support both effects.  

I've completely derailed from what I wanted to originally say or the reasoning behind this post.  

I normally write what I'm going to say in a doc first.  I normally read it over at least a dozen times before posting it, because I want to appear smart.  Even though I'm completely aware that it doesn't matter.  People will always disagree and agree.  Understand or won't.  

I need to write for me.  So that is what this will be.  An insight into my mind.  A semi-unfiltered view of my thoughts, adventures and opinions.

Or at least at this point that is what I'm aiming for.