Washed Away

We go through so many drills that when an alarm sounds it is almost like you are living out another drill.  While it is always a good idea to be prepared, we seldom are ready for an actual disaster when it comes.  You realize as the walls literally come crumbling down around you that your life is about to change in a big way and there is very little you can do about it.   

I’ve been joking with people that everyone always asks for a fresh start, but in actuality it is a lot of work to start over.  All of my things were washed away in a matter of moments.  I surprisingly took this all really well.  I realized that I am not my things and what matters to me most of all are the people I surround myself with, which unfortunately were mostly interacted with on a computer that was under water. 

Being separated from them, missing out on our first Daddy D kill (inside joke), and not being able to interact with them like I once did was incredibly hard.  I missed my friends.  Luckily a few of them reached out to me via phone and caught me up on all the things I was missing out on.  Regardless, this was definitely the hardest part of the experience.

Luckily I had renters insurance and have slowly been replacing my material goods. Sometimes realizing at the worst possible moments what is missing. Let’s just say it is really hard to boil already chopped up potatoes when you don’t have a pot to put them in >_<.  You forget about all the little stuff.  Hammers, pots, socks…  but eventually it starts to come together and feel like home again.  

Overall, I’m thankful for the experience.  It woke me up.  It was like hitting the reset button.  The one I didn’t even realize I needed to hit until it was already smashed for me. 

In close, I genuinely hope this doesn’t happen to you.  It wasn’t fun. But in the same respect I encourage people to let go of their lives, what they think they know and try something new.  We all adapt so amazingly well.  You might surprise yourself.  Don’t wait for a flood to wash it all away for you.

Taking a Time Out

I hate wasting time.  So for me justifying mediation became changing my initial mindset of meditation.

Step 1.  Meditation isn't doing nothing

As the years have progressed I've definitely seen how balance can impact people.  The first being emotional balance.  We all have ups and downs and sometimes those ups and downs feel more dramatic because of what is going on.  Relative perception.  So I'm taking meditation as a balance for my very active mind.  A deeper control over not only my emotions but also my thought processing.  

Step 2.  Baby steps

Hmmm.  So typical me didn't just dive straight into meditation.  I instead started with guided relaxation.  I must say youtube has a myriad of videos for this too.  If anyone is looking for a little help calming down.  I highly recommend youtube.  While some of them can be quite over the top - expressing how these are all your actions and you are the one making the choices, I still found the bulk of them pretty impactful.  A word of advice for anyone making these videos, I realize these are my actions and my choices...that is the point of guided...you are providing me the steps....just provide the steps...don't tell me it is me...I know

I have completed around four guided relaxation sessions.  So far I feel much less stress and I've been able to focus a little better and get a bit more done.  Just as a note my room is still a disaster.  My computer and the people on the other end are a huge distraction. #priorities

Step 3. Learning about meditation

I'm using this site to learn about meditation and how/why it works:  http://www.how-to-meditate.org

What I've learned so far:

• This is much more involved than I originally thought.
• Perhaps I drink too much coffee to effectively meditate.
• I really should read through the website and actually go through with this meditation thing.

OK For real, after I finished my coffee I did actually read the site and I think my plan of action is going to be.....

There are a few things I should pay attention to while meditating:

• Pay attention to posture - good posture supports good breathing
• Pay attention to breath - don't want stinky breath j/k.  Breath appears to be a fundamental part of certain types of meditation.  In fact it is the focus.
• Pay attention to comfort - Being comfortable makes it easier to focus and let go. 

I still haven't tried to meditate yet.  It is like meditation is my sick best friend and although I love her she is really sick right now - I don't want to get sick and while I keep remotely talking to her and checking in to make sure she is ok and doesn't need anything, I'm actually quite scared.  I think I have a fear of greatness.  Part of me self sabotages all the time.

Step 4.  OK time to meditate

As every Nike commercial from as far back as I can remember has told me....Just do it.  Ok Nike I'm going to do it.  This blog entry has been in draft form for at least two weeks now....lol...I'm not quite sure if I will ever actually meditate...

+1 more day and I still haven't meditated - in fact I'm very sleep deprived.  Last night I not only went to sleep really late, but I also had crazy dreams so my sleep was really bad.  If there were a point where meditation could help me, it'd be right now.  I'm not doing anything I should do, but rather just following my passions and desires.

+1 week at this point still haven't meditated - I am now in Oregon - my happy place.  It is so amazingly beautiful here and very calming.  I should really go up a mountain and just take in nature and practice breathing.  I'm sure it would be enlightening.  It is also Halloween.

I can feel it in my bones Nov 1st.  It is happening.

I did it!  I was at the base camp of a hiking trail in South America.  I was tired of reading so I meditated.  Sitting under the tree I just embraced the here and now.  I listened to my breath and felt incredibly relaxed afterwards.

I found it incredibly difficult to focus on my breath.  My mind does not stop easily (Even in one of the most peaceful quiet places on earth)  It is something I'd like to practice.  I will get there.

The benefits when I thought about it could be profound.  I really feel like I could reach entirely new levels if I could actually hone my focus.  I even considered the possibility of training with monks.  They are the pros right?  If you can focus completely on one thing the power you could put behind it is intense.  No adderall required.

Improving and Learning

I frequently struggle and question the nature of things. Things literally being everything from the conversations I have with people to the purpose of the computer. I over analyze everything and play out scenarios in my head that are so far fetched it is seemly a waste of time and brainpower. It is part of me though.

We all stumble through life and do the best we can with what we know. We make choices based on our desires, our past experiences, and our instincts. We change our mind, we stick to our guns, we try to keep ourselves entertained for the journey we call life. Most importantly we survive. We survive as individuals. We survive as communities. We survive as humanity.

So often I find myself presented with opportunities and rarely do I go out and seek opportunities for myself. I feel like this is the source of so much satisfaction in the world. In the days of the internet so few of us go out and make our lives but rather we let our lives be defined for us. I think it is even worse for women. So often we wait for people to approach us to let us know we are desired or thought about instead of finding the right person to make us happy or the right job that we enjoy.

I think this is probably the biggest mistake that I’ve made and while I feel like I am a good position I don’t think I’m doing or contributing in a way that is satisfying to me. We all know deep down inside what makes us happy yet we for some reason compromise with the world instead of putting in the hard work to get what we want.

We make excuses when we get there and trap ourselves in whatever lie we have found ourselves in to make it work. To justify our dissatisfaction. I’m not saying making it work isn’t an option. It just isn’t an option for me anymore.

I want to work on a plan for me. I’ve focused so much on others for my entire life projecting my own thoughts and opinions on to them. I’ve tried to predict people's actions or words - I suppose it is part of my being overly analytical.

In an effort to figure me out - I’ve decided to do 50 entries on me trying to be more me and the journey I take. I’ll go over my experiences and sort of talk about what my next journey will be and if anyone wants to join along I’d love to hear your stories too.

My first journey will be meditation. I’ve always struggled with meditation because it is so hard to stop an active mind and it is also hard for me to justify doing nothing when we only have a finite amount of time on earth. I think the first thing I’m going to do is change my perspective on meditation from nothingness to balance then start to break off small chunks of time to practice. I’ll likely go through several different practices and essentially talk about my experiences. If anyone has any recommendations, books, websites, practices I could use all the help I could get!

Strategic Conversations

There are moments, typically while intoxicated that words just fly out of my mouth without thought or reason.  In fact my confidence is through the roof while intoxicated.  There is nothing I can't do nor person I don't know that could get whatever I needed accomplished.

That being said when I don't drink it is tremendously different.  I'm on a completely different spectrum.  Every word spoken is carefully uttered and worried about.

The great part about all of this is it is self inflicted.  We put up these barriers and gates to control our own actions.  We also are completely in charge of pulling them down and rebuilding them in new ways.

<Pause>  Currently reading how alcohol works on the body - two articles if you are curious

What happens when you drink alcohol?
How stuff works:   How Alcoholism Works

Hmm...I like to refer to this as the rabbit hole.  So Alcohol gets into your bloodstream gets to your liver and gets filtered out, but not all of it can be filtered.  So essentially unfiltered blood is what causes the effects of drinking.

In the article above it describes two brain states:

• excitatory - stimulated electrical activity
• inhibitory - decreased electrical activity

So if alcohol is an inhibitor, is caffeine an excitatory?  I also wonder if I've drank lots of caffeine and if I go out into an electrical storm am I more likely to get struck by lightning? What if I've been drinking am I less likely? I' m sure the amount of -/+ is so insignificant to have an impact on that...

Is this why caffeine sobers people?  Given they have a sufficient amount of water?  Ultimately - I'd imagine we'd need water to support both effects.  

I've completely derailed from what I wanted to originally say or the reasoning behind this post.  

I normally write what I'm going to say in a doc first.  I normally read it over at least a dozen times before posting it, because I want to appear smart.  Even though I'm completely aware that it doesn't matter.  People will always disagree and agree.  Understand or won't.  

I need to write for me.  So that is what this will be.  An insight into my mind.  A semi-unfiltered view of my thoughts, adventures and opinions.

Or at least at this point that is what I'm aiming for.

The Idea of Rebirth

I thought about writing about nudity. I thought it would be funny, but then something hit me. Something much more profound. Rebirth.

Get your genetic code analyzed! Catalog your entire life. Take Pictures, write a journal, make a record of you, because in the future. If you are reborn you may be able to know all about your past life.

The phrase circle of life exists for a reason. We die, our bodies decompose, and we go back into the earth to help other things live. There are certain basic components to humans - structures that are essentially the same in us all, but the things that make us unique: What if those things were naturally drawn to each other to fulfill a universal need? What if the exact genetic composition of you was created again? There is no telling how long it would take, but we are at a point now where we can record ourselves at a biological level. One day in the future, hopefully if and when we are reborn, we will still be able to see if we already existed biologically--Scientific proof that you were in fact reborn at a biological level.

Sites like 23andme allow you to get your DNA analyzed. DNA is unique to an individual - the exception being identical twins. This is why so many scientific studies have been done on twins.

Cataloging ourselves could be taken even further by writing journals or saving pictures. We could in theory be able to see how much biology plays a part in personality and decision making.

Even if we are never reborn, our life is still meaningful in understanding the science of the world. Someone could potentially stumble across your life and gain inspiration from it. They may feel or be able to understand things in a completely new way. People relate to others and gain perspective and understanding through those relationships.
So with that being said perhaps this means I will write more and post more pictures. I will definitely be getting my genetic code analyzed. Hopefully they will preserve it so that if my future self decides to go down this crazy rabbit hole I can understand who I was and how I became her.

California Academy of Science

Every time I try to write about this experience I get lost in the words. I feel like it is hard to describe the experience. Everything we looked at surrounded life and the different interactions between objects in environments. While I love the idea of discussing how impactful we are on the world it isn't my forte. And like stated above I get lost in the words and concepts of how I personally fit into the topic. It seems very self-centered to try and relate all of life to me, but everything we know and understand starts with us. Without us at the center there is (in concept) nothing. “I think therefore I am” - Descartes

Confused?

Everything in this world is relative, even if it doesn't seem to be - don’t be fooled! We as individuals learn in a myriad of different ways...how we learn or how we best understand concepts is on us. No one else can understand things for us... That is the beauty of being an individual and being self aware. We control our reality. We accept, we trust, we deny, we refuse, we choose what we believe.

But understanding self awareness is only half the battle. The other part is taking that concept and relating it to everyone else in the world. Our reality unfortunately is limited to us. While something may seem so obvious to you - it isn’t always to someone else. I know I’ve found myself in a position where my mind was blown because someone didn’t know or understand a simple concept. It seemed unfathomable to me, but their relative experiences are not the same as mine.

I remember in high school sitting at the lunch table eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a German Exchange student. She was appalled by what I was eating! She looked at me and said “Salty and Sweet! You do not mix salty and sweet!” My mind was blown! In what world would you not mix salty and sweet?? It was near impossible for me to understand how someone could never have mixed peanut butter and jelly, especially knowing what both of them are?!?! I remember having her taste it and the look of pure disgust on her face again blew me away.

That was actually a life altering moment for me. It was the first time I had really understood the cultural impact societies have on individuals. It helped me understand the different systems in place to control and shape people. Not only had she never had or heard of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich she didn’t like it. Something so simple as food turned into how else can cultures impact people and at what level does it actually become biological?

The other moment that comes to mind when thinking about choices- was the first time I watched the Devil Wear’s Prada. You might think I’m crazy for bringing this movie up, but it actually does a really good job at bringing to light an individual’s choice when constructs are put into place to shape people’s decisions. I don’t really want to give away the movie plot - So I’ll simply state not every decision is easy. It becomes even more difficult when those constructs are put into place.

Once again I feel lost in my words. I feel like I could go on and on down the rabbit hole. Talking about life, relativity, reality, learning...So rather than drone on and on I think I’ll end it here. If you are ever in the San Francisco area definitely check out the museum. It has several well crafted exhibits and the planetarium is breathtaking.

Peaking Mission

Life always provides interesting challenges.  One of which is climbing a mountain....literally.  To be fair it wasn't a very big mountain but it was still 1.7 miles of uphill trek, which if you've never done before can be pretty challenging.

I met up with a friend of mine and as per the usual these days I over slept and rushed getting there.  Not only did I oversleep but I also used google maps to get to "Mission Peak".  What I didn't know is there is a very narrow path that you can drive most of the way up and well...despite the signs that say "No Auto to Peak" and "Residence Only"  I still decided to drive it....As my friend put it S M R T

SMRT Reference

When I finally got there the sun was still hidden behind the mountain.  Unfortunately due to my awesome follies we didn't make it to the top for sunrise, but what we saw was equally as impressive.

 As we made our way up the mountain we saw an assortment of cows, which was somewhat reminiscent of World of Warcraft.  I truly felt like I was in Mulgore near Thunderbluff.  I also now know what a real life Mulgore would smell like...fertilizer.

We were closely followed by the fog as it lifted to the sky.  This is a photo from about half way up.

When we got there the timing was perfect....as the clouds followed us up they sat in just the right spots for the most amazing photos.

I'm so glad I went.  Not only was the view breath taking the work I did getting to the top made me appreciate all the little battles I deal with every day.  Just knowing that all I have to do is keep going and eventually  I'll see something beautiful, something worth all the hard work.

BTW

On the way back down COW!!!!